Love Me, Radically

I am in complete disbelief at the outpour of love I received for the launch of my blog. Thanks to your support, my first post, “My Story,” surpassed one thousand views within the first week. Thank you, truly. I am humbled by the many people who connected with me and shared their own upbeat journeys. Hearing from all of you is exactly why I began this blog.

Publishing this website wasn’t an easy journey for me, despite that so many friends had suggested I start a blog long ago. I doubted the fact that I had anything valuable to say- or that anyone would care. All those years of being praised for my confidence and un-abashed free-will, and I faced nothing but self-doubt. So often, underneath my mask of self-assurance, I have felt like an imposter.

I went through cycle after cycle of “self-improvement,” and wrote list after list of things I wanted to change about myself; constantly berated myself when I failed to reach my goals or when I had an unproductive day. Another wasted weekend I’d tell myself- no matter what or how much I did- because it was never enough of the right things.

I never cared what other people thought of me. But I should have been caring about what I thought about myself.

I put on a face to the world that said I was fine, but, inside, I was drowning in my own insecurities about my body, my weight, my health, my job- everything. And, the worst part? I didn’t even realize how far I had fallen. After all, I was a strong independent woman, how could I hate myself?

We can tell ourselves that these thoughts and feelings are motivators to help us reach our goals. But, all they do is wear us down and leave us defeated. When we don’t give ourselves space for compassion and understanding, there is no room for growth.

Over the last two years, I have tried to rebuild my life from a place of depression and burnout into something blossoming and whole. Along the way, I turned to this idea of radical self-love. The notion that I am worthy of compassion, of acceptance, of emotional consideration. That I am, as I am, enough.

Radical self-love meant accepting myself as I am- and not as I wanted to be.

It wasn’t easy. It began bit by bit- dismantling the self-doubt and toxic thoughts. But, once I began to work on my frame of mind- something magical began to happen. I re-found my ambitions, my creativity, and my zest for life.

It was no longer about hitting marks of progress- but about the journey.

Not only did I find actual strength in my self-confidence again, I began to feel my voice take shape. And the bulk of the things I wanted to say weighed more than any self-doubt I carried. Then I realized, if sharing my own journey can help others along their way or at least let them feel less alone- then it was worth every ounce of effort.

We live in a society where our self-hatred is someone else’s bottom line. We are bombarded with daily messages that prey on our insecurities and teach us to reject our natural selves- all so we can line their pockets and force us to seek the unobtainable mold they created. How would they make money if all of us could achieve their beauty standards so easily?

This world constantly tells us to hate ourselves and we listen.

Its time to deconstruct antiquated notions of health and beauty, productivity, and self-worth and embrace individuality, imperfection, and diversity. We need to do reject the notion of love in spite of and embrace love because.

I do not love myself in spite of my weight and chronic illnesses. I love my body because it carries me where I need to go, and tells me when I need to slow down. I love myself for the shape and size I am.

I do not love myself in spite of my neurodiverse brain. I love myself because of the way my mind works. I love my creativity, my courage, my capacity to care for others, the patterns I can see that no one else does.

I love the way I look on good hair days, and I love myself on days I am wearing pajamas four sizes too big and my dirty hair in a bun. I love myself when I am being productive around the house, and I love myself when I give myself sometime to rest. I love myself for exactly who I am.

This isn’t to say we should reject the notion of self-improvement. But we can love ourselves with all of our shortcomings, throughout our growth and beyond. We are deserving of compassion now, not when we obtain a certain level of perfection- whether that be physical or mental. Self-love is for every moment, every day, throughout our journeys.

I made the decision that this blog would not be about giving life advice, but, if you have struggled as I have- here’s some starting points I found useful to change my patterns of thoughts.

You need time to heal and rest

Whether its because of past-trauma, illness, intense burn-out, or even just the average work week- our bodies and minds are not designed for endless productivity. I think it’s important to delineate this idea of rest separate from “self-care,” because all too often, self-care becomes an insurmountable task in itself. We have to allow ourselves proper rest. No guilt, no pressure, actual rest.

You are deserving of self-compassion

Just like you wouldn’t be down on your friends when they are having a difficult time, you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. We all have flaws just like we have strengths. We all fail, we all forget things, and we all end up fairly average at a lot of things too. Don’t let comparisons to others drive your insecurities.

Importantly, give yourself room to fully feel what you are going through, without judgement. It took my twenties to realize that’s it okay to not be okay. It’s taking into my thirties to learn that I deserved full-hearted emotional consideration, that even if it seemed silly, my feelings mattered.

Create boundaries

All of us have boundaries. Enforcing them? That’s the tough part. With a need to please others and appear “laid-back,” this was difficult for me. And, I am still working on it. We all need boundaries with partners, family, friends, colleagues, manager- with ourselves. I am learning to create space for myself- physical and mental- when I need it, and not let other’s needs eclipse my own. Yes, sometimes, I will do things I don’t want to do. But, I know my limits, and instead of letting others blitz right through them until I was burnt out and exhausted, I learn to give myself the time and space I need. It’s better to say no than to continuously push the limit of your mental and physical health.

Remember, progress isn’t linear. You are developing a relationship with yourself. And, like other relationships, it will always have ups and downs.

In a time where we have unfettered social media access with bounds of targeted ads and celebrity promotions, choosing self-love IS radical.

So, let’s be radical.